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Thread: Xin anh chi giup do cho bai essay cua em!

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    Default Xin anh chi giup do cho bai essay cua em!

    Chao may anh chi,
    Em hien dang hoc o community college, em moi bat dau hoc mua Winter, cho nen em van la newbie. Em ko co kinh nghiem ve viec vie essay cho admission hay scholarship ji ca. Nhung hien truong em co scholarship program, cho nen em cung bon chen tham gia de co kinh nghiem cho writing cung nhu tham vong duoc mot cai scholarship nho nho nao do...Mac du em biet kha nang cua minh van con rat kem!
    Em xin post essay cua minh len, mong su giup do cua cac anh/chi!

    Essay cua truong phai viet dua tren 4 prompts, bai viet ko gioi han so tu, mien sao fit duoc vao 2 trang words la ok. Voi lai em di cai workshop danh rieng cho scholarship esay tips cua truong, thi specialist co de cap la cang detail cang tot! Em ko co kinh nghiem lam, cho nen em viet mot ban draft theo nhugn ji em hieu la minh nen viet. Xin may anh chi cu thang tay criticize, em rat mong duoc hoc hoi! Mot lan nua cam on may anh chi rat nhieu (em cu noi long vong mai..hic, sorry!)

    4 Prompts :

    A summary of your life experiences and/or hardships (i.e. applicable personal attributes, family, work, extracurricular activities on and/or off campus, volunteer work, etc.) that have impacted your path to higher education.
    A description of how you developed an interest in your major field of study.
    A discussion of your educational and career aspirations as well as your ability to complete and achieve these goals.
    A discussion of how your educational experience will be affected if selected to receive a scholarship from the Mt. SAC Scholarship Program.

    Va day la ban draft cua em:

    It was just another late night looking for scholarship, as I murmured the quote “Many of life's failures are men who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up”, my mind was also reminding me about the obstacles that I have been through and one more hard day like this cannot keep me from successful. Since I was a little kid, instead of going to pre K like other kids, I followed my Mom from house to house. While she was doing her works as a nanny and a housemaid, I captured her images with a pencil on the scrap papers which my mom collected for me from a house cleaning job. Sometimes I wandered from a street side walk to a flea market, watching people’s gestures, conversations, arguments somehow those actions were very interesting to me. One day, I passed by a place call “The Young Artist Club”, through the glass window I saw children at my age were painting with colors. I told Mom that I wanted to join that club and gave her every penny which I saved from my little allowances. A few days later she handed me a water color set and a couple brushes. She didn’t say much, but the tears from her eyes, I understood. I began to paint the image of people and every day life’s event with colors. I showed my paintings to my mom and school teacher, they suggested that I should participate in the “District Art Contest”. They got to be joking. Me! To compete with thousand young artists whose had been trained by the best teacher their family can afford? Anyway, I presented my ark works with no hope to win anything. At least I had a chance to view other people’s paintings

    . To my surprised, I was awarded a second prizes in "District Art Contest”, and a third place in “Pink Lotus”. I was so graceful and happy because I know that moment opened a new chapter of my life.  The reward gave me a chance to join the “Young Artist club”. During the time at "Young Artist Club", I had a great support from the mentors. Through them, I invented my own style by using geometric shapes and overlap elements to achieve my vision. I weaved layers, colors, shapes, textures and my soul into my paintings strongly as a mark of my personal statement. Oil was my favorite medium.

    I thought I would be an artist when I growth up; however, plan never went well according to my plan. By the age of 13, my dad's business was at the edge of bankruptcy because he put his trust on wrong the wrong people. As the result, instead of going to extra classes after school like others, I had to help my dad typing the paperwork, going to construction site to check up equipments. I thought I would hate it, but surprisingly,. Looking at the working class people working hard all day like my parents with enthusiasm and great responsibility to create a safety home for people admired me. Spending most of my time after school at the construction and witnessed the project was done by the sweat of worker's brow, the happiness of the family when moving in their new house; indeed I could image this new house will be a foundation for a family to growth. Besides that, talking to the craftsmen or my dad to know how the materials works, what step need to be done first and all the little tricks to make the house more perfect inspired me to follow my dad's path. It was a pleasure for me to encounter the hardship because in which I found the deep respect for the art of joining human's imagination and their skills. I was impressed by the knowledge of how things were build and the art of putting human's vision into concrete. However, I had not found my passion until one day I started to sketch buildings as I wandered around the construction site, and I found the charm of architecture that allows me to convey my artistic ability and my interest in buildings. Through out the hardship, I gained my appreciation for middle class working people and their human skills which succeed the challenge of developing the whole out of innumerable details, out of various functions and materials. So I was curious about the concepts of other countries, how is the different of their expectation for beauty in architect? And if that is a case, how they apply the human skills differently in building? Therefore, I decided ta study abroad.

    I was not born in a wealthy family’ however, I believe everyone have their chance, if they are willing to work hard for their goals. At sixteen, I bike-walked five miles every weekdays to work as a baby sitter and while babysitting I do my home works or continue painting. On the weekend, I sometimes volunteered at local orphan house to teach handicap children how to paint. I did not have an opportunity going to English class. Day by day, I read grammar book and started trying to read English fiction, that my mom borrowed from her boss to improve my English. I have strong accent and struggling with writing, but I proudly cross over the language barrier line by practicing. I saved every penny from the sale of my paintings and works for my future education. Now I am at Mt SAC as I wished, and I will take this opportunity as a jump-start for my future education. My ambition is attending in an impact program to pursue my bachelor in Architect. Moreover, I want to double my major in Civil Engineering, and pursue an master degree in architect at California Polytechnic States University. To be a good architect or civil engineer, I understand I need the deeper knowledge, and Cal poly, which has a great program where I can develop my intellectual thinking, problem solving and enhance mathematics, design and physics skills. But John Berger says the work of architecture as a focal point from different angles simultaneously: historically, aesthetically, functionally, personally and passionately. And in order to approach that stage, where I can find myself as a architect and engineer who can invent a masterpiece which is remarkable in its functional rhythm, I will have to learn more and that is the reason for me to master my knowledge in the master program at California Polytechnic States University. More important, that is an academic where I can be surrounded with fellows who have same interest and passion like mine. In my developing country, people need desperately for a safety transportation and living environment. My aspiration is to be able to work and create a better working condition for the middle class. Indeed, I dream to create a net-working between construction and architect companies, so that the cost of building a home for people who needed is not so expensive. Besides that, the net-working can create more jobs and benefits for middle class working people. Moreover, I want to expand the network around the world so that developing countries can be exposed with new technology and developed countries can transfer the new technology to others. I believe human has an equal right to live in a safety environment.
    My educational experience will be affected effectively if I am awarded a Scholarship from the Mt. Sac Scholarship Program because it is a great honor for me. It is not only a financial support, but more important, it is a prove for myself, for my family that even though I am not yet a outlier, but with my desire, ambition and enthusiasm, which are my only strengths; I still can seize the opportunity, working hard and being successful. As a part of the culture and how I was raised, underestimate myself is a normal sensation of human being; as a result, I have been struggling with peers. Indeed, the thought of studying abroad was a object of ridicule for my cousins. It always seems as if I never worked hard enough; indeed, my low self-esteem has been eating me up because if I am a good student, I would had a scholarship and my parents won’t have to work fourteen hours a day and still stress out about my tuition fee. For me, this scholarship is a chance to prove to my parents that I have been working hard to achieve my dream. And it will be relief for them knowing that I am on the path to success. This scholarship will be a motivation for me to work harder and being more consistent with my dream, which is achieving my architectural and civil engineering degree, then someday I will be able to apply my artwork style into building architecture and showing to the world that "I was here" through my architectural masterpiece.
    Last edited by myvu; 04-23-2011 at 11:38 PM.

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    Administrator nguyentran's Avatar
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    Em ơi, comment đầu tiên: ngắt đoạn đi Essay của em chỉ có 1 paragraph thế này anh nghĩ ít người đọc nổi lắm

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    da de e edit lai..lol

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    Em da ngat doan va chinh sua lai mot chut grammar ...
    Xin mây anh chi coi qua giup em ve phan noi dung voi ah!

    It was just another late night looking for scholarships, as I murmured the quote “Many of life's failures are men who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up”, my mind was also reminding how I have been through so many obstacles and another hard day cannot keep me from success. Since I was a little kid, instead of going to pre K like other kids, I went with my Mom from house to house. While she was doing her work as a nanny and a housemaid, I captured her images with a pencil on scrap papers which my mom collected for me from her house cleaning job. Sometimes I wandered from street sidewalks to flea markets, watched people’s gestures, conversations, arguments somehow those actions were very interesting to me. One day, I passed by a place call “The Young Artist Club”, through the glass window I saw children at my age were painting. I told Mom that I wanted to join that club and gave her every penny which I saved from my little allowances. A few days later she handed me a set of water colors and a couple brushes. She didn’t say much, but the tears were rolling from her eyes meant more than words could ever express and so I understood. I began to paint the images of people and daily life’s event. I showed my paintings to my mom and my school art teacher, they suggested that I should participate in the “District Art Contest”. They had got to be joking. Me! To compete with thousand young artists whose had been trained by the best teachers whom their family can afford? Anyways, I presented my ark works with no hope to win anything. At least I had a chance to see other people’s paintings. To my surprise, I was awarded second place in "District Art Contest”, and third place in “Pink Lotus”. I was so grateful and happy because I know that moment opened a new chapter of my life.
    The rewards gave me the opportunity to join the “Young Artist club”. During the time at "Young Artist Club", I had great support from the mentors. Through them, I invented my own style by using geometric shapes and overlap elements to achieve my vision. I weaved layers, colors, shapes, textures and my soul into my paintings strongly as a mark of my personal statement. Oil was my favorite medium.
    I thought I would be an artist when I grow up; however, the plan never went well according to my plan. By the age of 13, my dad's business was at the edge of bankruptcy because he put his trust on wrong the wrong people. As a result, instead of going to extra classes after school like others, I had to help my dad typing the paperwork, going to construction sites to check up equipments. I thought I would hate it, but surprisingly, looking at the working people working hard all day like my parents with enthusiasms and great responsibilities to create safe homes for people inspired me. Spending most of my time after school at the constructions and witnessed the projects got done by the sweat of worker's brow. And the happiness of families getting to move into their new house tug at my heartstring; indeed, I could image this new house will be a foundation, a background for the family to grow. Besides that, talking to the craftsmen or my dad to know how the material works, what step need to be done first and all the little tricks to make the house more perfect inspired me to follow my dad's path. It was a pleasure for me to encounter the hardship because I found the deepest respects for the art of joining human's imagination and their skills. I was impressed by the knowledge of how things were build and the art of transferring human's vision to concrete. However, I had not found my passion until one day I started to sketch buildings as I wandered around the construction sites, and I found the charm of architecture that allows me to convey my artistic ability and my interest in buildings. Throughout the hardships, I gained my appreciation for middle class working people and their human skills which succeed the challenge of developing the whole out of innumerable details, out of various functions and materials. Also I was curious about the concepts of other countries, how is the differences of their expectation for beauty in architect? How they apply the human skills differently in building? Therefore, I decided to study abroad. I was not born in a wealthy family; however, I believe everyone has their chance, if they are willing to work hard for their goals. At sixteen, I bike-walked five miles every weekdays to work as a baby sitter and while babysitting I did my homework or continued painting. On the weekend, I sometimes volunteered at local orphan house to teach handicap children how to paint. I did not have any opportunities going to English class. Day by day, I read grammar books and started trying to read English fictions, that my mom borrowed from her boss to improve my English. I have strong accent and struggling with writing, but I proudly cross over the language barrier line by practicing. I saved every penny from the sale of my paintings and works for my future education.
    Now I am at Mt SAC as I wished, and I will take this opportunity as a jump-start for my future education. My ambition is attending in an impact program to pursue my bachelor in Architect. Moreover, I want to double my major in Civil Engineering, and pursue a master degree in architect at California Polytechnic States University. To be a good architect or civil engineer, I understand I need deeper knowledge, and Cal poly, which has a great program where I can develop my intellectual thinking, problem solving and enhance mathematics, design and physics skills. John Berger says the work of architecture as a focal point from different angels simultaneously: historically, aesthetically, functionally, personally and passionately. And in order to approach that stage, where I can find myself as an architect and engineer who can invent a masterpiece which is remarkable in its functional rhythm, I will have to learn more and that is the reason for me to master my knowledge in the master program at California Polytechnic States University. More important, that is an academic where I can be surrounded with fellows who have same interest and passion like me. In my developing country, people desperately need safety transportation and living environment. My aspiration is to be able to work and create a better working condition for the middle class. Indeed, I dream to create a net-working between constructions and architect companies, so that the cost of building a home for people who needed is not so expensive. Besides that, the net-working can create more jobs and benefits for middle class working people. Moreover, I want to expand the network around the world so that developing countries can be exposed with new technologies and developed countries can transfer the new technologies to others. I believe human has equal rights to live in safety environment.
    However, my educational experience will be affected effectively if I am awarded a Scholarship from the Mt. Sac Scholarship Program because is a great honor for me. It is not only a financial support, but more important, it is a pride for myself, for my family that even though I am not yet a outlier, but with my desire, ambition and enthusiasm, which are my only strengths; I still can seize the opportunity, working hard and getting successful. As part of the culture and how I was raised, underestimate myself is a normal sensation of human being; as a result, I have been struggling with peers. Indeed, the thought of studying abroad was an object of ridicule for my cousins. It always seems as if I never worked hard enough. My low self-esteem has been eating me up because if I am a good student, I would had a scholarship and my parents won’t have to work fourteen hours a day and still stress out about my tuition fee. For me, this scholarship is a chance to prove to my parents that I have been working hard to achieve my dreams. And it will be a relief for them knowing that I am on the path to success. This scholarship will be a motivation for me to work harder and getting more consistent with my dreams, which is achieving my architectural and civil engineering degrees, then someday I will be able to apply my artwork style to building architecture and showing to the world that "I was here" through my architectural masterpiece.

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    UC Irvine '12 dannyphan89's Avatar
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    It was just another late night looking for scholarships, as I murmured the quote “Many of life's failures are men who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up”, my mind was also reminding how I have been through so many obstacles and another hard day cannot keep me from success (unparalleled pronouns. read it out loud and you will see it sound kinda weird when you said "as I blah blah..., my mind blah blah..."). Since I was a little kid, instead of going to pre K like other kids, I went with my Mom from house to house (I went from house to house with my mom as she work as a housemaid/nanny, etc. Your sentence is abrupt here). While she was doing her work as a nanny and a housemaid, I captured her images with a pencil on scrap papers, which my mom collected for me from her house-cleaning (housemaid) job. Sometimes I wandered from street sidewalks to flea markets, watched people’s gestures, conversations, arguments, and (need a linking word here) somehow those actions were very interesting to me (I felt/was very interested in those "actions" -- although I don't think "actions" is a good word choice here). One day, I passed by a place call “The Young Artist Club”, and through the glass window I saw children at my age were painting. (Need 1 extra sentence here saying what makes you feel interested about that, which is the reason why you wanna join the art club in the next sentence). I told Mom that I wanted to join that club and gave her every penny which I saved from my little allowances (for what reason? signing up for the class/buying materials, etc?). A few days later she handed me a set of water colors and a couple brushes. She didn’t say much, but the tears were rolling from her eyes meant more than words could ever express and so I understood (understood what? understand is a transitive verb. you should rephrase this sentence). I began to paint the images of people and daily life’s event. (need a transition phrase here -- After a few months since I participated in the art club,...) I showed my paintings to my mom and my school art teacher, and/so they suggested that I should participate in the “District Art Contest”. They had got to be joking. Me! To compete with thousand young artists whose had been trained by the best teachers whom their family can afford? Anyways, (never ever write "anyway" in your academic-like essay. "anyway" is used in verbal communication, and it's not appropriate for essay) I presented my ark works with no hope to win anything (this sentence is not a good one. it sounds pathetic. even if you were not confident at that time, you shouldn't write this way. Example: Although I was not confident that I could win this competition, I thought that I should give a try and present my art work). At least I had a chance to see other people’s paintings. (pathetic as well) To my surprise, I was awarded second place (received the second place award) in the "District Art Contest”, and the third place award in “Pink Lotus” (explain what's "Pink Lotus". nobody knows anything about "Pink Lotus". it's so random here. don't assume that your readers understand everything). I was so grateful and happy because I know (knew) that moment opened a new chapter of my life.
    The rewards (awards) gave me the opportunity to join the “Young Artist club”. During the time at "Young Artist Club", I had great support from the mentors. Through them (their mentorship), I invented my own (unique) drawing/artistic style by using geometric shapes and overlap elements to achieve my vision. I weaved layers, colors, shapes, textures and my soul into my paintings, strongly as a mark of my personal statement (not really a good word choice, but it's acceptable). Oil was my favorite medium. (so random sentence. read the previous sentence and this one, do you see any connection? have a transition phrase/sentence before throwing this in. Example: Among the art materials/medium that I love to use, oil was my favorite one.)
    I thought I would be an artist when I grow up; however, the plan never went well according to my plan. By the age of 13, my dad's business was at the edge of bankruptcy because he put his trust on wrong the wrong people (!?!?). As a result, instead of going to extra classes (what kind of extra classes are you talking about? remember your reader is not a VNese, who knows that students often go to tutor classes after regular school time) after school like others (other students), I had to help my dad typing the paperwork, going to construction sites to check up equipments. I thought I would hate it (this job/work), but surprisingly, looking at the working people working hard all day like my parents with enthusiasms and great responsibilities to create safe homes for people inspired me (unparalleled phrases. Example: I thought I would hate this job, but surprisingly, I was inspired when looking at my parents and their colleagues, who work hard all day with enthusiasm and responsibility to build safe homes for other people). Spending most of my time after school at the constructions and witnessed the projects got done by the sweat of worker's brow (huh?!? read this sentence out loud. it's not a complete sentence at all). And the happiness of families getting to move into their new houses tug (tugged) at my heartstrings; indeed, I could image this new house will be a foundation, a background for the (a) family to grow. Besides, talking to the craftsmen or my dad to know how the material works, what step need to be done first, and all the little tricks to make the house more perfect inspired me to follow my dad's path (rephrase in active voice). It was a pleasure for me to encounter the hardship because I found the deepest respects for the art of joining human's imagination and their skills (skills). I was also impressed by the knowledge of how things (what things? so random again) were build and the art of transferring human's vision to concrete. However, I had not found my passion until one day I started to sketch buildings as I wandered around the construction sites, and I found the charm of architecture that allows me to convey my artistic ability and my interest in buildings. Throughout the hardships, I gained my appreciation for middle class working people (bad word choice. constructors/builders) and their human skills (skills), which succeed the challenge of developing the whole (what the whole are you talking about? vague here) out of innumerable details, out of (kinda weird here too) various functions and materials. Also I was (I was also) curious about the design/construction concepts of other countries. I started to develop these questions: "What are the differences in their expectation for beauty in architect?" and "How do they apply the human skills (skills) differently in building?" Therefore, I decided to study abroad (kinda abrupt here). I was not born in a wealthy family; however, (but) I believed everyone has their (his/her - everyone is singular) chance, if they are willing to work hard for their goals. At the age of sixteen, I bike-walked five miles every weekdays (weekday) to work as a baby sitter, and while babysitting, I did my homework or continued painting (not a good sentence, rephrase). On the weekend, I sometimes volunteered at a local orphan house to teach handicapped children how to paint. I did not have any opportunities going to English class (bad sentence and incorrect grammar structure as well. Combine with the next sentence). Day by day, I read grammar books and started trying to read (reading) English fictions that my mom borrowed from her boss (not a right word choice. example: homeowner) to improve my English. I have (had) strong accent and struggling (struggled) with writing, but I proudly crossed over the language barrier line by practicing (endless practices). I saved every penny from the sale of my paintings and works (jobs) for my future education.
    Now I am at Mt SAC as I wished, and I will take this opportunity as a jump-start for my future education. My ambition is attending in an impact program (program. no need to say impact) to pursue my bachelor degree in Architecture. Moreover, I want to double major in Civil Engineering, and pursue a master degree in architecture at California Polytechnic States University. To be a good architect or civil engineer, I understand I need deeper knowledge, and Cal poly, which has a great program where I can develop my intellectual thinking, problem solving and enhance mathematics, design and physics skills (Rephrase. Bad sentence. plus you should not say Cal Poly is you don't put abbreviation for it in the previous sentence). John Berger (who's he? explain. Example: John Berger, a famous architect,) says the work of architecture as a focal point from different angels simultaneously: historically, aesthetically, functionally, personally and passionately (is it word-by-word what he said? if so, you need to put in "..."). And in order to approach that stage, where I can find myself as an architect and engineer who can invent a masterpiece which (that) is remarkable in its functional rhythm, I will have to learn more and that (this) is the reason for me to master (further) my knowledge in the master program at California Polytechnic States University. More important, that (this school/this institution) is an academic (academic is an adjective, not a noun) where I can be surrounded with fellows who have same interest and passion like me. In my developing country (In my country), people desperately need safety transportation and living environment. My aspiration is to be able to work and create a better working condition for the middle class (don't use middle class here. it not a good word choice). Indeed, I dream to create a net-working (network) between construction and architect companies, so that the cost of building a home for people who needed is not so expensive. Besides that, the net-working can create more jobs and benefits for middle class working people. Moreover, I want to expand the network around (to) the world so that developing countries can be exposed with new technologies and developed countries can transfer the new technologies to others (rephrase). I believe human has equal rights to live in safety environment.
    However, my educational experience will be affected effectively if I am awarded a Scholarship from the Mt. Sac Scholarship Program because is a great honor for me (!?!?! I don't understand this sentence at all). It is not only a financial support, but more important, it is a pride for myself, for my family that even though I am not yet a outlier, but with my desire, ambition and enthusiasm, which are my only strengths; I still can seize the opportunity, working hard and getting successful (rephrase or cut into 2 separate sentences. this is too long for a sentence). As part of the culture and how I was raised, underestimate (underestimating) myself is a normal sensation of human being; as a result, I have been struggling with peers. Indeed, the thought of studying abroad was an object of ridicule for my cousins. It always seems as if I never worked hard enough. My low self-esteem has been eating me up because if I am a good student, I would had a scholarship and my parents won’t have to work fourteen hours a day and still stress out about my tuition fee (rephrase. plus you also need to understand that there are other factors that affect your chance of receiving scholarship, not just cuz you're a good student). For me, this scholarship is a chance to prove to my parents that I have been working hard to achieve my dreams. And it will be a relief for them knowing that I am on the path to success. This scholarship will be a motivation for me to work harder and getting more consistent with my dreams, which is achieving my architectural (architecture) and civil engineering degrees, then (and) someday I will be able to apply my artwork style to building architecture (not really understand what you mean here) and showing to the world that "I was here" (bad choice of phrase. Example: my uniqueness) through my architectural masterpiece.
    "Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it." - Albert Einstein.

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  8. #6
    UC Irvine '12 dannyphan89's Avatar
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    Some comments:

    First of all, I like your essay and I think the outline is good. It's inspiring and it shows who you are. However, your last 2 paragraphs are confusing. check all the highlight parts that I have above. in addition, one suggestion here is that you can say that you want to attend a master program, but you don't need to point out directly Cal Poly or anywhere. give yourself more options. just say it in a general way.

    your reason for scholarship is not convincing as well. you need to think about it and rewrite.

    Secondly, you need to check your grammar. There are a lot of grammatical errors and bad word choices. I just pulled out some for you cuz I cannot spend hours rewrite everything for you, and it's not really helpful in long-term. You need to rephrase some sentences as well.

    Rewrite and I will check again. Good luck.
    Last edited by dannyphan89; 04-24-2011 at 12:20 PM.
    "Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it." - Albert Einstein.

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  10. #7
    UC Irvine '12 dannyphan89's Avatar
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    one more suggestion: next time when you post your essay here, double space between paragraphs, so it will be easier to read.

    oh btw, are you sure that you have 2 pages, single-spaced to write? it's a freaking long essay if it's single-spaced. usually for personal statement, it's 2 pages and double-spaced (so roughly 1000 words).

    check the requirement again to make sure that you follow the instruction.
    "Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it." - Albert Einstein.

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    @ Dannyphan89: Thank you so much! I really appreciate you HELP! I am going to rewrite this essay and post it again. I learned a lot! Thanks again!

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    Em da sua lai roi, nhung chak van con nhieu loi sai, xin anh chi chi ra giup em!
    Em cam on!


    It was just another late night looking for scholarships, whenever I murmured the quote “Many of life's failures are men who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up” to encourage myself, my mind was also reminding how I have been through so many obstacles and another hard day cannot keep me from success. Since I was a little kid, instead of going to pre K like other kids, I went with my Mom from house to house as she works as a housemaid and a nanny. While she was working, I captured her images with a pencil on scrap papers, which my mom collected for me from her housemaid job. Sometimes I wandered from street sidewalks to flea markets, watched people’s gestures, conversations, arguments, and somehow my mind was engrossed my mind. One day, I passed by a place call “The Young Artist Club”, and through the glass window I saw children at my age were painting. I was amazed at these kids’ artistry and how their artworks were recognized and highly complimented even though they were so surreal, At that moment, I knew from the back of my mind this was a place where I could be open and present my artworks because I would not be ashamed of my uniqueness perspective on things. Then I told Mom that I wanted to join that club and gave her every penny, which I saved from my little allowances in order pay for club fee. However, she did not respond to my appeal of participating in the club. A few days later she handed me a set of water colors and a couple brushes. She didn’t say much, but the tears were rolling from her eyes meant more than words could ever express and so I understood her frustration because the distress of my family kept me from joining the art club. I began to paint the images of people and daily life’s event. I showed my paintings to my mom and my school art teacher, so they suggested that I should participate in the “District Art Contest”. They had got to be joking. Me! To compete with thousand young artists whose had been trained by the best teachers whom their family can afford? Even though I was not confident that I could win this contest, I poured my heart out and performed my best as that was the last one I could ever attend . To my surprise, I received the second place award in the “District Art Contest”, and the third place award “Pink Lotus” which is the annual art contest for kids in my city. I was so grateful and happy because I knew that moment opened a new chapter of my life.


    The awards gave me the opportunity to join the “Young Artist club”. During the time at "Young Artist Club", I had great support from the mentors. Through their mentorship, I invented my unique style by using geometric shapes and overlap elements to achieve my vision. I weaved layers, colors, shapes, textures and my soul into my paintings, strongly as a mark of my (spectacular characters/ spontaneous potential??) During that time, I found oil as my favorite medium among others.
    I thought I would be an artist when I grow up; however, the plan never went well according to my plan. By the age of 13, my dad's business was at the edge of bankruptcy because he put his trust. As a result, instead of going to extra class after school like other students, I had to help my dad typing the paperwork, going to construction sites to check up equipments. I thought I would hate this job but surprisingly, I was inspired when looking at my parents and their colleagues work hard all day with enthusiasm and responsibility to build safe homes for other people. The happiness of families getting to move into their new houses tugged at my heartstrings; indeed, I could image this new house will be a foundation, a background for a family to grow. Besides, I was admired when talking to the craftsmen or my dad to know how the material works, what step need to be done first, and all the little tricks to make the house more perfect. It was a pleasure for me to encounter the hardship because I found the deepest respects for the art of joining human's imagination and skills. I was also impressed by the knowledge of how materials were used to transferring human's vision to concrete. However, I had not found my passion until one day I started to sketch buildings as I wandered around the construction sites, and I found the charm of architecture that allows me to convey my artistic ability and my interest in buildings. Throughout the hardships, I gained my appreciation for constructors and their skills, which succeed the challenge of developing the whole building out of innumerable details, and various functions and materials. I was also curious about the construction concepts of other countries. I started to developed these questions: “ What are the differences in their expectation for beauty in architect?” and “How do they apply the skills differently in building? I was not born in a wealthy family, but I believed everyone has his or her chance, if one is willing to work hard for his or her goals. At the age of sixteen, I bike-walked five miles every weekday to work as a baby sitter, and while I was working, I did my homework or continued painting. On the weekend, I sometimes volunteered at a local orphan house to teach handicapped children how to paint. In order to learn English, I read grammar books and started reading English fictions that my mom borrowed from the employer. I had strong accent and struggled with writing, but I proudly crossed over the language barrier line by endless practices. I saved every penny from the sale of my paintings and jobs for my future education.


    Now I am at Mt SAC as I wished, and I will take this opportunity as a jump-start for my future education. My ambition is attending in a program to pursue my bachelor degree in Architecture. Moreover, I want to double major in Civil Engineering, and pursue a master degree in architecture at California Polytechnic States University (Cal Poly), which has a great program where I can develop my intellectual thinking, problem solving and enhance mathematics, design and physics skills. John Berger, an art critic said: “The work of architecture as a focal point from different angels simultaneously: historically, aesthetically, functionally, personally and passionately” And in order to approach that stage, where I can find myself as an architect and engineer who can invent a masterpiece that is remarkable in its functional rhythm, I will have to learn more and this is the reason for me to further my knowledge in the master program at California Polytechnic States University. More important, I can be surrounded with fellows who have same interest and passion like me in this institution. In my country, people desperately need safety transportation and living environment. My aspiration is to be able to work and create a better working condition for contructors. Indeed, I dream to create a network between construction and architect companies, so that the cost of building a home for people who needed is not so expensive. Besides that, the network can create more jobs and benefits for Moreover, I want to expand the network to the world so that the developing countries can acquire to advanced building concepts, which creates safer living environment because I believe human has equal rights to live in safety environment.


    My education experience will be affected positively if I am awarded scholarship from the Mt. Sac Scholarship Program because it is not only about financial support, but more importantly, it is also about the pride for my family and myself. As a part of the culture and how I was raised, underestimating myself is a normal sensation of human being; evidently, I have been struggling with peers. Indeed, the thought of studying abroad was an object of ridicule for my cousins. It always seems as if I never worked hard enough. My low self-esteem has been eating me up and affecting my education path. I have been questioned myself “What if I was a good enough student?” “What if I was confident to take chances and work harder?”. If that was a case, then I may had a scholarship and my parents won’t have to work fourteen hours a day and still stress out about my tuition fee .For me, this scholarship is a substantiation to prove that even though I am not yet a outlier, but with my desire, ambition and enthusiasm, which are my only strengths; I still can seize the opportunity, work hard and be successful. And it will be a relief for them knowing that I am on the path to success. This scholarship will be a motivation for me to work harder and be more consistent with my dreams, which is achieving my architectural and civil engineering degrees, so someday I will be able to transform my love of art into architecture practices and showing to the world my uniqueness through my architectural masterpiece.

  14. #10
    UC Irvine '12 dannyphan89's Avatar
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    It was just another late night looking for scholarships, whenever I murmured the quote “Many of life's failures are men who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up” to encourage myself, my mind (I think I pointed out this before. whenever I murmured the quote "...", I also reminded myself how I have been through..."I" and "my mind" are not parallel within a sentence. in addition, it's too long for a sentence. instead of quoting a whole phrase, just to paraphrase it) was also reminding how I have been through so many obstacles and another hard day cannot keep me from success. Since I was a little kid, instead of going to pre K like other kids, I went with my Mom (mom) from house to house as she works (worked) as a housemaid and a nanny. While she was working, I captured her images with a pencil on scrap papers, which my mom collected for me from her housemaid job. Sometimes I wandered from street sidewalks to flea markets, watched people’s gestures, conversations, arguments, and somehow my mind was engrossed my mind (!?!?). One day, I passed by a place call “The Young Artist Club”, and through the glass window I saw children at my age were painting. I was amazed at these kids’ artistry and how their artworks were recognized and highly complimented, even though they were so surreal, (.) At that moment, I knew from the back of my mind this was a place where I could be open and present (!?! check your grammar) my artworks because I would not be ashamed of my uniqueness perspective on things (honestly, I don't understand what you mean here. you need to rewrite this sentence). Then I told Mom that I wanted to join that club and gave her every penny, (delete it) which I saved from my little allowances in order pay for club fee. However, she did not respond to my appeal of participating in the club. A few days later she handed me a set of water colors and a couple brushes. She didn’t say much, but the tears were rolling from her eyes meant more than words could ever express and so (and or so, not and so) I understood her frustration because of the distress of my family kept me from joining the art club (my family's financial hardship). I began to paint the images of people and daily life’s event. I showed my paintings to my mom and my school art teacher, so they suggested that I should participate in the “District Art Contest”. They had got to be joking. Me! To compete with thousand young artists whose had been trained by the best teachers whom their family can afford? (kinda weird to read this but it's ok if you wanna keep it) Even though I was not confident that I could win this contest, I poured my heart out and performed my best as that was the last one I could ever attend. To my surprise, I received the second place award in the “District Art Contest”, and the third place award in the “Pink Lotus”, which is the annual art contest for kids in my city (and the third place award in the "Pink Lotus" city's annual art contest). I was so grateful and happy because I knew that moment opened a new chapter of my life.
    Last edited by dannyphan89; 04-26-2011 at 01:11 AM.
    "Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it." - Albert Einstein.

  15. #11
    UC Irvine '12 dannyphan89's Avatar
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    (Put this whole paragraph to your first one) The awards gave me the opportunity to join the “Young Artist club”. During the time at this club, I had great support from the mentors. Through their mentorship, I invented my unique style by using geometric shapes and overlap elements to achieve my vision. I weaved layers, colors, shapes, textures and my soul into my paintings, strongly as a mark of my (personality. maybe, I'm not 100% sure cuz that's the only word on top of my head now) (spectacular characters/ spontaneous potential??) During that time, I found oil as my favorite medium among others. (Add one sentence here like: "I started to paint in oil...")


    I thought I would be an artist when I grow up; however, the plan never went well according to my plan. By the age of 13 (thirteen), my dad's business was at the edge of bankruptcy because he put his trust (to whom? put is a transitive verb). As a result, instead of going to extra class (tutor class[es]) after school like other students, I had to help my dad typing the paperwork, going to construction sites to check up equipments. I thought I would hate this job but surprisingly, I was inspired when looking at my parents and their colleagues worked hard all day with enthusiasm and responsibility to build safe homes for other people. The happiness of families getting to move into their new houses tugged at my heartstrings; indeed, I could image this new house will be a foundation, a background for a family to grow. Besides, I was admired when talking to the craftsmen or my dad to know how the material works, what step need to be done first, and all the little tricks to make the house more perfect. It was a pleasure for me to encounter the hardships because I found the deepest respects for the art of joining human's imagination and skills. I was also impressed by the knowledge of how materials were used to transferring human's vision to concrete. However, I had not found my passion until one day I started to sketch buildings as I wandered around the construction sites, (.) I found the charm of architecture that allows me to convey my artistic ability and my interest in buildings. Throughout the hardships, I gained my appreciation for constructors and their skills, which succeed the challenge of developing the whole building out of innumerable details, and various functions and materials. I was also curious about the construction concepts of other countries. I started to developed these questions: “What are the differences in their expectation for beauty in architect?” and “How do they apply the skills differently in building?" I was not born in a wealthy family, but I believed everyone has his or her chance, if one is willing to work hard for his or her goals. At the age of sixteen, I bike-walked five miles every weekday to work as a baby sitter, and while I was working, I did my homework or continued painting. On the weekend, I sometimes volunteered at a local orphan house to teach handicapped children how to paint. In order to learn English, I read grammar books and started reading English fictions that my mom borrowed from the employer. I had strong accent and struggled with writing, but I proudly crossed over the language barrier line by endless practices. I saved every penny from the sale of my paintings and jobs for my future education.


    Now I am at Mt SAC as I wished, and I will take this opportunity as a jump-start for my future education. My ambition is attending in a program to pursue (pursuing) my (a) bachelor degree in Architecture. Moreover, I want to double major in Civil Engineering, and pursue (obtain) a master degree in architecture at California Polytechnic States University (Cal Poly), which has a great program where I can develop my intellectual thinking, problem solving and enhance mathematics, design and physics skills. John Berger, an art critic said: “The work of architecture as a focal point from different angels simultaneously: historically, aesthetically, functionally, personally and passionately.And in order to (In order to) approach that stage, where I can find myself as an architect and engineer who can invent a masterpiece that is remarkable in its functional rhythm, I will have to learn more and this is the reason for me to further my knowledge in the master program at California Polytechnic States University. More important, I can be surrounded with fellows who have same interest and passion like me in this institution. In my country, people desperately need safety transportation and living environment. My aspiration is to be able to work and create a better working condition for contructors. Indeed, I dream to create a network between construction and architect companies, so that the cost of building a home for people who needed is not so expensive. Besides that, the network can create more jobs and benefits for. Moreover, I want to expand the network to the world so that the developing countries can acquire to advanced building concepts, which creates safer living environment because I believe human has equal rights to live in safety environment.


    My education experience will be affected positively if I am awarded scholarship from the Mt. Sac Scholarship Program, because it is not only about financial support, but more importantly, it is also about the pride for my family and myself. As a part of the culture and how I was raised, underestimating myself is a normal sensation of human being; evidently, I have been struggling with peers. Indeed, the thought of studying abroad was an object of ridicule for my cousins. It always seems as if I never worked hard enough. My low self-esteem has been eating me up and affecting my education path. I have been questioned myself “What if I was a good enough student?” “What if I was confident to take chances and work harder?”. If that was a case, then I may had a scholarship and my parents won’t have to work fourteen hours a day and still stress out about my tuition fee. For me, this scholarship is a substantiation to prove that even though I am not yet a outlier, but with my desire, ambition and enthusiasm, which are my only strengths; I still can seize the opportunity, work hard and be successful. And it will be a relief for them knowing that I am on the path to success. This scholarship will be a motivation for me to work harder and be more consistent with my dreams, which is achieving my architectural and civil engineering degrees, so someday I will be able to transform my love of art into architecture practices and showing to the world my uniqueness through my architectural masterpiece.

    It seems like you have many problems with punctuation. a rule of thumb is that don't use semicolon if you do not fully understand its use.
    "Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it." - Albert Einstein.

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    @ Dannyphan89:

    Anh oi em sua lai phan mo bai, xin anh coi gium em.

    “One more, only one more…” echoes in my head urged me to turn on the light and go back to study. It was just another harsh day I struggle with my English, but it was a day I gain one step closer to my goal. I did not quit that night, nor will I quit until I achieve my goal. (I don't know if I can use "nor" in a sentence with 2 different tense?)

    Throughout the hardships, I gained my appreciation for constructors and their skills, ??????? (I don't know should I separate into 2 sentence or not? If I want to use adjective clause, hơ do I use it?) succeed the challenge of developing the whole building out of innumerable details, and various functions and materials.

    Thanks!

  17. #13
    UC Irvine '12 dannyphan89's Avatar
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    “One more, only one more…” echoes (d) in my head urged me to turn on the light and go back to study(I don't really understand what you mean here. one more what?). It was just another harsh day that I struggled with my English, but it was a day I gained (moved) one step closer to my goal. I did not quit that night, nor I would quit until I achieve my goal. (What's you goal? you should end your opening paragraph with a "wrap up" sentence and signal your reader what you will talk below this paragraph)

    ---------------

    Throughout the hardships, I gained my appreciation for the constructors and their skills, ??????? (I don't know should I separate into 2 sentence or not? If I want to use adjective clause, hơ do I use it?) succeed the challenge of developing the whole building out of innumerable details, and various functions and materials.

    Through hardships (although I don't think it's a good word choice, cuz I'm not sure what kind of hardship you went through in this case to learn your appreciation. I assume that you just observe them, but you don't actually work hand-in-hand with them. but if so, hardship is just kinda vague here), I gained my appreciation for the skillful constructors, who succeed the challenge of using various materials to develop a whole building out of innumerable details with various functions.

    (I would rewrite like that, but it still sounds awkward cuz you try to cram so much information into one sentence. it's up to you, but you can break it down into 2 sentences)
    "Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it." - Albert Einstein.

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