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Thread: help me to correct my essay plz!

  1. #1
    VietAbroader cohoaxuhue's Avatar
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    Exclamation help me to correct my essay plz!

    part 1:

    “ What do you want for your birthday darling? A dolly, ok?”
    “ No, I want a globe daddy. I want to know how big the world is.”
    I still remember those childish words till these days. Although at that time I was only an eight-year-old girl, I definitely did know what I wanted: not a barbie like other girls but a globe. My parents thought this might be a sign for my future career but I did not think such big.
    As time goes by, I grew up and was raised in an cultural-diverse environment-Hoi An ancient town. Everyday I see so many different people from different countries all over the world. Communicating with them, getting to know more about their culture, their modernization drammatically makes me feel more curious about the big world outside my homeland. Then, I suddenly remember about my first present at eight and I realise that I got to study abroad. Once I have that chance, I will live life to fullest of my dream. That is to say, I can assure you that I would make many contributions to SJR. For one thing, I like to do Maths and I think my ability in learning Maths is quite impressive with awards mentioned in section D. Thus, I suppose I can bring other medals in Maths to your school. Furthermore, having chatted with people from all over the world, I believe I can easily get on well with other students in studying, making school projects and help to make people around me become closer. In addition, as a Vietnamese, I also promise to promote the cultural diversity in your school by distinct traditions of an Eastern country.
    Co ai thay no giong van noi qua hok a?

  2. #2
    VietAbroader
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    Please provide the topic of the essay as well as its purpose, requirements, ... No one wants to help you with this kind of thread.

  3. #3
    VietAbroader Ivan's Avatar
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    Not to bring you down but your essay, even for a high-school admission's standard, is more childish than your saying “No, I want a globe daddy. I want to know how big the world is.”

    This particular part is laughable: "That is to say, I can assure you that I would make many contributions to SJR. For one thing, I like to do Maths and I think my ability in learning Maths is quite impressive with awards mentioned in section D. Thus, I suppose I can bring other medals in Maths to your school...."

    It's like you're begging the school to take you. Very very bad impression, not to mention your not-so-good grammar. I suggest you to rewrite it.


    Em ngồi xuống, tìm một điểm mạnh của mình mà em thấy tự hào nhất, và tập trung vào nó. Chứ đừng viết loăng quăng thế này và đặc biệt tránh những câu như: "Tôi đảm bảo là tôi sẽ thế này, sẽ thế nọ..", sẽ tạo hình tượng van nài trong mắt người đọc. Đặc biệt không kiểu kể lể giải thưởng ra để khiến bài mình trở nên "ấn tượng", trừ khi những giải thưởng đó đặc biệt ảnh hưởng đến con người của em.

    Nếu em yếu viết tiếng Anh, anh gợi ý em viết tiếng Việt thật hay trước rồi dịch sang. Mặc dù đó không phải là lựa chọn tối ưu nhất nhưng có thể sẽ khá hơn nếu em không suy nghĩ tốt được khi viết bằng tiếng Anh.
    Last edited by Ivan; 03-13-2012 at 12:49 AM.
    Thought of you as my mountain top.
    Thought of you as my peak.
    Thought of you as everything.

    The fact that you are married,
    only proves, you're my best friend.
    But it's truly, truly a sin.

  4. #4
    Administrator nguyentran's Avatar
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    Please do not post duplicate threads in the future.

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