"I sorely beheld a tragedy of the twin, both of whom are talented to much of my respect" This makes it clearer and easier to understand. And "I myself" is redundant, cliche and well-hated by adcoms."I myself sorely beheld a tragedy of a twin both of whom are talented to much of my respect"
Ya know, someone may just copy your essay. It's that same reason that the collegeconfidential forum does not encourage poster to post only essays that are not going to be submitted to adcoms. For serious, going-to-submit essays, PM/Email is much better.