Essays for Comments

[testdasi]

"I myself sorely beheld a tragedy of a twin both of whom are talented to much of my respect"

"I sorely beheld a tragedy of the twin, both of whom are talented to much of my respect" This makes it clearer and easier to understand. And "I myself" is redundant, cliche and well-hated by adcoms.

Ya know, someone may just copy your essay. It's that same reason that the collegeconfidential forum does not encourage poster to post only essays that are not going to be submitted to adcoms. For serious, going-to-submit essays, PM/Email is much better.

[testdasi]

Ya know, someone may just copy your essay. It's that same reason that the collegeconfidential forum does not encourage poster to post only essays that are not going to be submitted to adcoms. For serious, going-to-submit essays, PM/Email is much better.

[NTV]

I like your main idea about how you are confident and street-smart enough to take on any challenge in future. Basicly, I can understand what you mean through the essay but sometimes I get lost in it. And you may want to change some words and expressions to American style since many words/expressions that you used are not correct and uncommon.

"my secondary time": u means your time in elementary or junior high

"we had had a mock before": They don't use "mock" as "chuẩn bị trước" or as rehearsal (used only in theater or figuratively speaking), usu. they use "as we had practiced before"

"nervy feeling": nervous?

"I supposed my image would become faint in my teacher’s mind beside my friend’s": I was afraid that we wouldn't be able to make deeper impression as Ly's group did.

These are only my suggestions, the final decision is up to you.

Hope you do well,

Best, Van

[NTV]

BRAVO! I think the 2 essays are pretty good. For my opinion only, I like the 1st one a lot since I see the genuine feeling in the essay (among other pretty images).

The 2nd essay does reminds me of those paragraphs that we have to read for SAT or ACT. It is good English, skillful usage of rhetorical strategies, variety of words/sentence, etc. But I didn't really feel anything about the writer (anything person or true in life ^_^). It seems to me that the essay is a persuasive assignment that we all have to write even though we don't really like it. AND, do you really think that you will raise awareness of child abuse by writing this long essay and expect people to change the world? (Sorry if I sound offensive but it's what I think of it).

Best, Van

[quynhchi]

Thank you all for giving me very useful advice. I'll try to work over my essay and post it on later.

[mazafuka]

fluent speaking before crowd talent----> fluent speaking talent before crowd
teach ourselves----> self-taught...
nói chung cần dùng thêm nhiều động từ

[quientin]

No comment on the grammar point because I'm not good at grammar, either .However, I think you should change the anecdote at the beginning of your essay. A compliment from the teacher is not bad, but it doesn't catch the reader's attention. Why don't you change it into the whole class's applause, murmurous compliments. Try to write this in a fast pace (I think fast pace would make the opening more interesting). Then you can slow this pace down by discribing your team's and your feelings, actions at that time (frankly, "nervous" is a pretty vague word. You should go into more concrete images like "flickering eyelash", "heat of sweat" ... :p I'm not very good at giving examples). With that, you will have a better hook for the essay.

The next thing you have to worry about is the theme. Even though I can understand through the whole essay what you are trying to show. However, an explicit thesis statement is necessary for any kind of essay (at least that's what I think :p ).

Then, try to go over the body paragraphs and delete the unnecessary stuffs. With the kind of narrative essay you are writing, especially with an exciting topic (competition), you should make it fast (sound silly, but there's no action movies can be slow, right).

I'm not an expert in writing either. This is just my opinions. Wish you luck!

[quientin]

I gave up! Maybe because it's nearly 2 AM right now, or maybe I'm just not patience enough. The second essay was no doubt a good one, if you are trying to show off your knowledge of grammar and English structure. Just read the first paragraph, I can find numerous complex sentences (in fact, there's hardly a simple sentence). You do have a very good writing skill, but you should try to be more clever. No ad. com will be happy to read an essay this complicated (in sentence structure). Imagine after reading tons of essays, would you be happy to read this?

However, if this is an argumentative essay for your class, then maybe it's good. Because English assignment is a place to show off your writing skill (but in admission process, it's different).

I wish I can write like you two. Envy.

[khang]

Hey Mai Anh - Not sure if you still need some feedback on your essays? I thought you might, so I read them. Not bad at all. You write diferently from many other vietnamese kids whose essays i'vee read recently. In general, great. However I feel it's a little wordy. I believe you could make it shorter without losing any essence. I didnt quite like it when you said "I was shocked" somewhere middle of the essay. Really? Were you shocked? But you mentioned it was a graduate process, no? And, shocked? Second, when you wrote this "After all, I did have a piano talent. It was just hiding for many years, waiting for me to mature my passion," I felt it didnt come out too naturally. Instead of issuing such a "tell" statement, why not make it more concrete with examples? Like, what talent specifically? It surely would be more convincing if you could cite some evidence, those days, those times, you played, you found something, you played differently that night, and so so ... Third, the last paragraph didnt quite follow the preceding ones. It's almost part of another essay. You also quoted a little too extensively at this important closing paragraph. Shouldnt it better filled with retrospective thoughts that really build up a lasting image? Shouldnt it be time to really make some revolutionary comments and leave the reader in awe? Why should such interesting essay end with ... many fairly neutral quotes? Of course these are very personal ideas. You might think differently.

[khang]

Hi Minh Ha - Not sure either if you still need some comments. Here I come anyway. Great job, to start with. You obviously can express complex concepts very efficiently. But I surely feel comments on weakness are more helpful. One, I think it's wordy. Really. There are many sentences that dont need to be that long, especially since they are followed and preceded by similarly long sentences. It's tiring. But of course the content is exciting so it wasnt bad at all. But I feel if you vary sentence strucutre and sentence lenght, this essay would be a lot more fun to read. One example of such sentences that could have been shorter "Nowadays in an epoch of information and technology developing variously and rapidly, when we, people living in modern society, are indulging ourselves in the luxury of love and redundant comfortabilities, it’s not seldom to behold children of different ages wandering homeless or working in unqualified conditions, what’s more, no schooling and no childhood." Second thing, you seem to reason a lot without sufficient and compelling evidence. I say, theere are too many TELL sentences that might sound a little too trite. Many sentences, while written in great english, really dont contain any new information. You dont need to write everything. How about just things that matter you personally? That said, some sentences arent written beautifully as others. Example:"Being unable to bring children a well-off preparation to set forth into life, that is such a fault of their parents." It somehow sounds awkward to me. And this, i personally dont like YOU in the essay,"Have you ever been made embarrassed when your children vehemently and severely refuse all the toys you present them?" but that's only my own opinion. In general as I say, a little too wordy and lack of refreshing examples. Now dont be disappointed. You clearly have great english, compared to many people I know who are also applying to top schools. All you have to do is to use it more efficiently. Nouns dont need adjectives to make an impact, verbs dont always need adverbs' support, and of course two adjectives do neccessarily mean more than one adjective. I didnt commment much on strength, but you know that you've done a good job. Good luck.

[jimmymoonless]

Cowardice

I would never forget my teacher’s story. It’s a story about a man. He had a great talent for music. But when he was on stage, when a lot of people looked at him, when the light came on, when the curtain showed up, there just remained a coward. Everybody could see his hands trembled with fear. And moment later, he said he couldn’t perform and got off the stage. He gave up his music career since then… I know with the story, my teacher always wanted to tell me one thing: that an artist and a coward can not come alongside.

I was a coward. However, I dreamed of being a violinist. I knew that I could play. I enjoy playing pieces of J.S.Bach when I was alone in my room. I expressed my eomotion in them. I played my violin every afternoon, from the time I got back from school till late evening, when my fingers couldn’t move, my whole body was sweaty and I had no energy left. I wished one day, I could perform on stage, before many people. And I thought it would not difficult to do.

I decided to take part in a classical music contest. This participation didn’t help me anything but made me realize how diffident I was. I was a real coward when it came being on stage. I played as if it was the first time I played the violin. I couldn’t recognize the sound I made. I couldn’t control my trembling body. My fingers were so sweaty that they couldn’t stand firm on the instrument. And I found myself almost cry. I failed. At that moment, I was exhausted, melancholic and totally desperate. I couldn’t play as one part out of ten as I did at home. I performed confusedly like a very young child that for the first time lost his mother. I didn’t even know what I was afraid of and why I could be so afraid.

I stayed up night after night to think about the man in my teacher’s story, I was just a coward like him. Of course, my teacher hated cowards, he always said that people with cowardice couldn’t do anything. And a thought suddenly appeared in my mind, a thought that made me frightened even much more than the thought of being on stage. I feared of giving up my dream. I wondered what would happen if I couldn’t play the violin any more. I thought of many bad situation and facied myself without music. I figured out that it was so much part of me that I couldn’t give it up. And it meant that I had to change. I mustn’t be a coward any more.

So, I learned how to repress my fear. Everyday, when I practised the violin, I looked around my room and tried to imagine there was a large crowd right here, with serious faces, gazing at my every move. I tried to remember the fear I got when I was on stage and sought ways to defeat it. I sometimes invited all my friends to my home to listen to my music when I practised. I spent more time to play at my school before thousands of students. And gradually, I got used to be brave even when being surround by so many people.

It took me over a year to learn how to be brave. I decided to take part in the contest once again. And it was the most remarkable event in my life. For the first time, I had a wonderful feeling of being on stage, with my head high and without fear. It was the first time I really played for myself and all other people who were listening seemed to be unimportant. It was the first time I was totally concentrate on my favorite concerto and performed it with excitement, passion and pride. And it was the first time I was satisfied with myself after my performance regardless of whether I got a prize or not. Finally, I could replace the appearance of a craven girl by the image of a confident person with real passion and strong desire to express it.

I was once a coward. I was upset and desperate with the fact all time, untill I realized that I had to change. If anyone asks me what the greatest achievement I’ve got sofar is, I would answer, it is the fact that I’ve won over the biggest enemy inside me: my cowardice.

[khanhvn]

Bài bạn này viết giống mình thế ! hah

OK, thứ nhất là trong câu ko nên có nhiều "I" quá. làm người đọc dễ chán.

Originally posted by jimmymoonless@Oct 31 2005, 01:14 PM
It was the first time I really played for myself and all other people who were listening seemed to be unimportant.

Ko coi khán giả quan trọng thì còn biểu diễn làm gi nữa


Cái chủ đề này hơi tẻ nhạt. Tóm lại vẫn chỉ là vượt qua sự sợ hãi. thử viết có vẻ chuyên môn hơn xem sao.

Còn về ngữ pháp, sửa câu thì nhờ mấy bậc anh chị vậy nhé.

[thaiphucan]

Tui thay anh khac khe qua' do', bai nay viet cung hay do' chu' chi hoi te la chua di vao detail 1 cach chuyen nghiep la'm

[khang]

Lan Anh - Your essay is not bad at all. It has a natural flow that often lacks in essays written by non-english speakers. however it wasnt too exciting, not because of the story, but because of the way it was narrated. why? first of all, it is way too long. you seriously dont need to use that many words to describe the overcoming of cowardice. if you could reduce the length by at least 30% i am sure it would sound a lot more refreshing. dont let readers lose patience by making them read too many lines that didnt really provide much relevant information. second, revise the third paragraph when you describe the failure. that's an important part. it deserves much more elaboration than many other paragraphs. it has to be longer, not more words, but more vivid descriptions, soak it with visual verbs and intensively descriptive phrases. it's important that you should describe your failure mroe vividly because the rest of the essay seems to depart from there. dramatize the failure with powerful descriptions. why exactly were you scared? at that moment what did you think of? what did you imagine? what did u hear? nothing? did you notice facial expressions full of high expectations from the audience? did you not see anything, anyone? what was going on in your mind at that critical moment? third, the third from last paragraph is also very important, it's the gist of the issue. could you give more details of the process of overcoming cowardice? what else did you do besides asking ffriends to accompaniy you while you were playing the violin? give readers a sneak review into your mental processes. what sort of coginitive activities was taking place that transformed you into a new brave person? it couldnt be too easy right? make it effortful. you didnt automatically become a new fearless person. you struggled to overcome. describe that experience with more concrete evidence. the ending is not bad. short and sweet. see, you dont have to make it that unnecessarily long.

[jimmymoonless]

Originally posted by khanhvn+Oct 31 2005, 06:21 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (khanhvn &#064; Oct 31 2005, 06:21 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> Bài bạn này viết giống mình thế &#33; hah

OK, thứ nhất là trong câu ko nên có nhiều "I" quá. làm người đọc dễ chán.


<!--QuoteBegin-jimmymoonless@Oct 31 2005, 01:14 PM
It was the first time I really played for myself and all other people who were listening seemed to be unimportant.

Ko coi khán giả quan trọng thì còn biểu diễn làm gi nữa


Cái chủ đề này hơi tẻ nhạt. Tóm lại vẫn chỉ là vượt qua sự sợ hãi. thử viết có vẻ chuyên môn hơn xem sao.

Còn về ngữ pháp, sửa câu thì nhờ mấy bậc anh chị vậy nhé. [/b][/quote]


Em cảm ơn anh Khanh , nhưng anh nhầm rồi. Đối với một người nghệ sỹ, khán giả là quan trọng, nhưng khi lên sân khấu, họ chỉ chú trọng vào hai điều: cảm xúc của họ và bản nhạc họ đánh. Không ai để ý đến khán giả nghĩ gì trước khi bước lên sân khấu đâu anh ạ

[jimmymoonless]

..

[jimmymoonless]

Originally posted by khang@Oct 31 2005, 10:37 PM
Lan Anh - Your essay is not bad at all. It has a natural flow that often lacks in essays written by non-english speakers. however it wasnt too exciting, not because of the story, but because of the way it was narrated. why? first of all, it is way too long. you seriously dont need to use that many words to describe the overcoming of cowardice. if you could reduce the length by at least 30% i am sure it would sound a lot more refreshing. dont let readers lose patience by making them read too many lines that didnt really provide much relevant information. second, revise the third paragraph when you describe the failure. that&#39;s an important part. it deserves much more elaboration than many other paragraphs. it has to be longer, not more words, but more vivid descriptions, soak it with visual verbs and intensively descriptive phrases. it&#39;s important that you should describe your failure mroe vividly because the rest of the essay seems to depart from there. dramatize the failure with powerful descriptions. why exactly were you scared? at that moment what did you think of? what did you imagine? what did u hear? nothing? did you notice facial expressions full of high expectations from the audience? did you not see anything, anyone? what was going on in your mind at that critical moment? third, the third from last paragraph is also very important, it&#39;s the gist of the issue. could you give more details of the process of overcoming cowardice? what else did you do besides asking ffriends to accompaniy you while you were playing the violin? give readers a sneak review into your mental processes. what sort of coginitive activities was taking place that transformed you into a new brave person? it couldnt be too easy right? make it effortful. you didnt automatically become a new fearless person. you struggled to overcome. describe that experience with more concrete evidence. the ending is not bad. short and sweet. see, you dont have to make it that unnecessarily long.

Thank you so much Khang for spending your time helping me with my essay. I&#39;m gonna revise it following your advice and post it again later.

[Gian con]

Chị jimmymoonless ơi,

I like your third paragraph most, maybe because of your true feelings during the performance.

You may want to check some grammatical errors in:

* Paragraph 2:
_ I knew that I could play. I enjoy playing...
_ I played my violin every afternoon, from the time I got back from school till late evening, when my fingers couldn’t move any more ( my suggestion ), my whole body was sweaty and I had no energy left.

* Paragraph 5:
_ And gradually, I got used to be brave even when being surround by so many people.

I also want to ask you about this sentence in paragraph 3: "This participation didn’t help me anything but made me realize how diffident I was."
From your sentence, I know that the participation did help you realize your diffidence. Why did you say that it hadn&#39;t helped you anything? Do you feel there is some contradiction here?

[jimmymoonless]

Originally posted by Gian con@Nov 1 2005, 08:27 AM
Chị jimmymoonless ơi,

I like your third paragraph most, maybe because of your true feelings during the performance.

You may want to check some grammatical errors in:

* Paragraph 2:
_ I knew that I could play. I enjoy playing...
_ I played my violin every afternoon, from the time I got back from school till late evening, when my fingers couldn’t move any more ( my suggestion ), my whole body was sweaty and I had no energy left.

* Paragraph 5:
_ And gradually, I got used to be brave even when being surround by so many people.

I also want to ask you about this sentence in paragraph 3: "This participation didn’t help me anything but made me realize how diffident I was."
From your sentence, I know that the participation did help you realize your diffidence. Why did you say that it hadn&#39;t helped you anything? Do you feel there is some contradiction here?

oops&#33; I totally forgot to check the grammar mistakes of my essay. Thank you Huong so much

[Rhapsody]

@Lan Anh : For further practicing writing essays, check this website http://www.urch.com/forums/

[minhngoc]

day la bai Personal statement dau tien minh viet .Ko biet y da duoc chua,con ngu phap va tu vung nua chu,deu la van de ca.
Thank for your help

Have you ever expenrienced something that completely change your life? Is that destiny? To me, It seems to be yesterday when my old gentle and righteous teacher taught me to fight for what I believe and brought me a fortune. That day was a milestone in mylife- the day I found myself.

I attended the first two years of elementary in the normal classroom near my house,a branch of the main primary school which is far from it about 3 killometres. After finishing the second grade,we took an exam for admission to the third advanced class. As a class monitor,the best pupil in my class,I felt very confident about passing this exam. The result day finally came, a strange feeling filled my body making me reach my classroom faster than usual. But to my surprise,I failed. I fell with a thud, could not say anything for a while until my friend’mother approached me and gently asked:”Why do you look upset?”.

“I failed”. I answered. “What?But you are the most excellent in your class. My daughter passed,though she is not so intelligent as you are. Why don’t you come to teacher’s office to ask if they made mistake”. She suggested me. “That is a good idea”. I thought. “But there is so far from here where, so strange to a little girl like me, how could I meet the teacher I have never met before”. It was raining, I ran as if someone was pursuing me. One hidden source of impetus existed insight, urging me to go ahead. After 20 minutes, I knocked at the head master’s office door, entered and asked to see the teacher of the class who had my score. “How can I help you?”.That warm voice at the corner made me feel much more confident. I come toward her and said: “I am a second grade who had just taken an entrance exams.Could you let me see my result”. All the teachers in the office surprised as 7 year-old girl saying that.The teacher asked me my name, opened her document and gave me my test. Unfortunately,I had 4.5 while 5 was enough to pass.I thought that came to an end.While I was going to back, she suggested me: “you should ask your mother to write an application, I will allow you to enter my class”. I could not believe what I had listened. I was too perplexed to say something to when she led me go out .On the way home,I met a friend of mine, she told me that I had a place in the namelist of 3D class, an ordinary one.I thought: “There are no need to study in the elite class. I will learn well at 3D and take the exams for fouth advanced class next year.” So I decided to come to the normal one,forgeting the application.The next two days,my close friend visited me ,she said that she heard my name when the teacher called the roll in her selected class, suggesting me go with her.The first day I entered the classroom,the teacher introduced me as the moniter to all my classmates, which made me very astonished.A long time later,I found that my bravery that day helped my teacher trust in me and select me without my parents’application for admission. It was the first time I underwent success and failure in a short time.

Do you think there is only a small gap between winner and loser? I think sometime there is. Up till now ,I have not got the most relevant reason for my reaction at that time.What motivated me, a 7 year-old girl, to do that? Why I could change my mind immediately without regeting? I was then a small girl, joyous and carefree, I also had no idea of competition but I wished to assess my real ability. I did want to struggle athough it seemed hopeless. And that come a chance as well as an challenge for me: my class required much more than an ordinary one, particularly my teacher always required me higher than other pupils in my class. But I always tried hard to prove to the teacher that I deserved the chance she gave me. I studied better and better, then the next exams to selected-classes at the primary school were not obstacle to me.

Over 10 years passed,experiencing many difficulties, I am extremely grateful to my teacher for her help. She help me realise that opportunities are created and attained by no one but me. So I do not allow me to let my opportunities slip because it may not come the second time. This was the early last year of secondary school when I would face the enrollment exams for elite high school next year. It was really difficult to us, though we were studying in the selected class of my province. To achieve my goal, I had to attend the school team for Provincial Maths contest; however, I had no special achievement before, participating in Maths group seemed to be beyond my ability. But it was the only chance for me to turn my dream into reality, I would like to take it. Therefore, I began plan myself-studying and tried my best to broaden my knowledge. Starting with the enough-qualified position, I had myself increase my grade through a lot of tests. Finally,to the surprise of all my friends, I passed and won the third prize of that contest. As for me, the more important things than the prize are the acquirements and the capablity to overcome mysefl. Moreover,this event helped me recognize my interest in Mathematics as well as my innate ability in this subject, creating a turning point for me attain the following achievements.



I think during one’s lifetime, there are steps where we hesitate to take because there are little chance of success. But if we do not,we have no percent of success. So I always choose continuity, I know that if I do not try my best to make use of my forthcoming chances, there will not be the second teacher help me again. Regarding of success or failure, I am so confident to say that “I do not regret of what I did”.

[xxxzzz]

Chị ơi, theo em bài của chị mấy chỗ không ổn:

+ Chị viết hơi bị dài, nhiều chỗ chị hoàn toàn có thể viết ngắn gọn và súc tích hơn, ví dụ như đoạn 3 có thể cắt ngắn, hai đoạn cuối có thể ghép với nhau và phần achievement có thể tống lên đoạn trên ( Đoạn 3).

+ Ngữ pháp em thấy cũng có mấy chỗ không chính xác lắm (vd: ....there will not be the second teacher help me.... )

+ Từ vựng thì ... nói chung là hơi simple một chút. (kể ra simple là tốt nhưng simple quá thì cũng không nên, nó làm cho bài hơi đơn điệu)

+ Em thấy nhiều cấu trúc ... hơi cứng

+ Còn cái nữa nhưng em cũng không chắc lắm, đó là nhiều chỗ chị viết theo văn tiếng việt, không theo TA. VD: the most excellent, "excellent " đã thể hiện nhất rồi, the most là redundant.

Em mới chỉ thấy thế thôi vì bài của chị dài quá, đọc mỏi cả mắt (no offense)

[xxxzzz]

Cho vào WORD, nó đếm 1035 tù

[quientin]

That day was a milestone in mylife- the day I found myself.

--&#62; Em cũng không rành lắm. Nhưng nếu là em, thì em sẽ viết "That day, the day I found myself, was a milestone in my life.

a branch of the main primary school which is far from it about 3 killometres.

--&#62; Cẩn thận không người đọc lại bị confused với từ "it"

+ "the best pupil" --&#62; đúng là mình được dạy từ "pupil", nhưng em ít thấy ai dùng lắm chị ạ. Đa số là dùng "student", nghe có vẻ chính xác hơn.
+ "But there is so far from here...", đoạn 2 --&#62; ???
...

Ehem, bài của chị đúng là hơi bị kéo giãn quá. Chị có thể rút ngắn lại và làm cho nó gay cấn hơn không (trong cái đoạn chị nói chuyện với cô giáo, và tiếp theo sau đó, cho tới khi chị được chọn làm lớp trưởng...). Hơn thế nữa, có những câu không cung cấp thông tin gì mới cả (hay nói cách khác là 2 câu liên tiếp, mà em thấy là có thể rút ngắn lại thành 1.)

Câu đầu tiên của chị là:

Have you ever expenrienced something that completely change your life?

--&#62; cảm giác của em là phần này mới là phần chính. Câu này là chủ đề của bài phải không chị. Nếu thế thì chị nên nhắc lại 1 chút ở phần kết luận nhé. Vì hình như chị bị cuốn vào câu chuyện khi còn nhỏ quá mà quên kéo bài viết trở lại mục đích ban đầu.

Nói chung là bây giờ mà sữa lỗi ngữ pháp thì hơi bị dư thừa chị ạ. Bởi vì chị vẫn còn có thể sửa lại bài viết về nội dung chính. Theo em, thì chị nên chèn vào các đoạn miêu tả cụ thể. Hình ảnh concrete sẽ có tác động mạnh hơn là những lời nói cảm xúc bình thường.

----
Đây chỉ là em thấy thế, chứ em cũng không tài giỏi gì trong chuyện viết essay cả. Bài viết của chị không có gì là tệ, chỉ cần sửa tí thôi.

[xxxzzz]

Thực sự thì em thấy bài này về phần topics và content (em kô có ý gì đâu nhé , no ofense) ...... hơi trivial.

[polarbear]

Cho vào WORD, nó đếm 1035 tù

Bạn ơi, làm thế nào để đếm từ trong WORD vậy? Chỉ giùm mình với

[xxxzzz]

@Chi: Paste vào word rồi bôi đen phần cần đếm. TOOL===> WORD COUNT

[thanhluan001]

It&#39;s a good essay, as a matter of fact. After thought your writing, I have an impression that you have put a great pride of becoming an elite student, and are very ambitious, dedicated to learning. But, as other mentioned, you lengthened the essay unnessarily and distracted readers from getting the main points. For the best, in my opinion, adding more details and images in the part confronting with your teacher and shorten the sentences will make your essay more appealing to admission officers. For example,

Over 10 years passed,experiencing many difficulties, I am extremely grateful to my teacher for her help. She help me realise that opportunities are created and attained by no one but me. So I do not allow me to let my opportunities slip because it may not come the second time.

-> Over the past 10 years with many difficulties, I am extremly thankful my teacher whose help make me realise i&#39;m the only one can create and attain what is mine. Oppounities may not appear twice and I will not allow them slipped through my hand. ( Just my suggestion, you might find them not very well-written)

[jimmymoonless]

Lần trước, anh Khang sửa cho em bài luận và khuyên em một số chỗ cần sửa. Em đã làm theo, nhưng không hiểu sao nó con dài hơn lúc đầu. Mọi người có thể giúp em chỉ rõ đoạn nào cần cắt đi hay sửa chữa gì nữa không ạ? Cam ơn anh chị rất nhiều&#33;&#33;&#33;



Cowardice

I would never forget my teacher’s story. It’s a story about a man. He had a great talent for music. But when he was on stage, when a lot of people looked at him, when the light came on, when the curtain showed up, there just remained a coward. Everybody could see his hands trembled with fear. And moment later, he said he couldn’t perform and got off the stage. He gave up his music career since then… I know with the story, my teacher always wanted to tell me one thing: that an artist and a coward can not come alongside.

When I was at seventh grade, I took part in a musical competition. It was the competition that I took me out of an illusion easily becoming a successful violinist and helped me realize I was no more than a diffident dreamer. I was a real coward when it came being on stage. I played as if it was the first time I played the violin. I couldn’t recognize the sound I made. I couldn’t control my trembling body. My fingers were so sweaty that they couldn’t stand firm on the instrument. I looked around the room and saw the audience whispering. “ What were all that whispers about?” I thought of the criticism they might talk about me and started feeling embarrassed. Faces of all the watchers seemed to intimidate me so much that I couldn’t focus my mind on the concerto I was playing. I could say for sure that my two arms were frozen, my muscle was paralyzed, my mouth was distorted and my eyes were full of confusion and fear. I found myself almost cry. At that moment, I was exhausted, melancholic and totally desperate. I couldn’t play as one part out of ten as I did at home. I performed confusedly like a very young child that for the first time lost his mother. I didn’t even know what I was afraid of and why I could be so afraid.

I was just a coward like the man in my teacher’s story. And I knew that people with cowardice couldn’t do anything. Suddenly, I wondered what would happen if I couldn’t play the violin any more. I imagined myself without music and figured out that it was so much part of me that I couldn’t give it up. And it meant that I had to change. I mustn’t be a coward any more.

So, I learned how to repress my fear. Everyday, when I practised the violin, I looked around my room and tried to imagine there was a large crowd right here, with serious faces, gazing at my every move. I tried to remember the fear I got when I was on stage and sought ways to defeat it. I sometimes invited all my friends to my home to listen to my music when I practised. I thought all day about the cause of my fear. It was the fear of people, the fear of criticism. I understood that the only one way to overcome my weakness is to immerse myself with as many people as possible. I joined the student club in my school, took all chance talking to many other students. I went to school party more often and spent more time to perform at my school before thousands of students. And gradually, I got used to be brave even when being surround by so many people.

It took me over a year to learn how to be brave. I decided to take part in the contest once again. And it was the most remarkable event in my life. For the first time, I had a wonderful feeling of being on stage, with my head high and without fear. It was the first time I really played for myself and all other people who were listening seemed to be unimportant. It was the first time I was totally concentrate on my favorite concerto and performed it with excitement, passion and pride. And it was the first time I was satisfied with myself after my performance regardless of whether I got a prize or not. Finally, I could replace the appearance of a craven girl by the image of a confident person with real passion and strong desire to express it.

I was once a coward. I was upset and desperate with the fact all time, untill I realized that I had to change. If anyone asks me what the greatest achievement I’ve got sofar is, I would answer, it is the fact that I’ve won over the biggest enemy inside me: my cowardice.

[giang]

there are a few grammatical mistakes and run-on sentences
bạn này chơi violin ah? tớ cũng chơi violin