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Thread: Mong các bạn VA xem và góp ý cho mình bài Essay

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    Default Mong các bạn VA xem và góp ý cho mình bài Essay

    Chào các bạn diễn đàn vietabroader. Chúc các bạn một ngày hạnh phúc.
    Mình đang tập viết mấy bài essay cho kỳ thi TOEFL cuối tháng. Sau đây là đứa con của mình.
    Mong mọi người cho ý kiến để mình chỉnh sửa. Cảm ơn tất cả mọi người đã ghé xem.

    Đề bài: (Trong cuốn: The Official Guide to The TOEFL Test)
    Do you agree ỏ disagree with the following statement?
    Parents are the best teachers.
    Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

    Bài này mình làm chính xác trong khung thời gian 30 phút. Sau đây là bài viết của mình:

    You yoursefl are the best teacher for your life, not you parents nor your teachers, your friends. That is what experience show me when I growth up. One may probably consider his parent are the truth. He follow whatever they suppose to be right. But let me show you the opposite point of view.
    The first reason I use for my statement is the time your parents dedicate for you. Even the most careful parents can not trace you anywhere, while ofcourse you always be with you. And think about when you growth up, you mostly leave your family. So you will be no longer get advice or lesson from your parent. Let say you study abroad, for example America, while your parent are in Vietnam, you are not able to contact your family frequently anymore.
    Secondly, your parent's perpective cannot perfectly appropriate with your generation. They view life as it was 20 years ago. You have new technology and modern oppinion. For instance computer, you're certainly more skillful than your parents. In addition in Asia, you are not depended on tradition as much as your parents are, older generations tend to marry sooner. These evident obviously warrant my statement.
    The last reason but not less important is you know who you are best. Sometime your parent do not know what you want to be but what they want you to be. By that in several family, parents shape their child's way of life. Moreover, some parents want their honeys fulfill somewhat they have not done in their life, or simple do job that they think is good. For example a teacher often want his son to be a professior than a footballer. This one also restrict the role of parents as teacher.
    In conclusion, you should be, and mostly the best teacher for your life. Don't depend on any other one, even your parent. So practice to prepare for your life

  2. #2
    VietAbroader nguyenminhhieuh's Avatar
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    Sounds like you're translating word-by-word, because your ideas feel forced. Even worse, you make too mistakes (spelling, grammatical, etc.), which cause real annoyance to readers.

    I recommend you get some grammar books like "Advance Language practice", "English grammar in use", or PBT TOEFL's prep books, to learn the basics of English grammar first. Study them carefully enough before ever thinking of constructing a paragraph! It's a long way to go, of course.

    We must walk before we run

    Good luck
    Sorry, you don't have the key to my heart any more. I've changed my lock.

  3. The Following User Says Thank You to nguyenminhhieuh For This Useful Post:

    tnguyen (06-06-2009)

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    Here I Am! tnguyen's Avatar
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    I just want to add one more thing to what Hieu already said

    Read a lot of English articles, as many as possible. It will help you get used to writing in English.
    Go Buffs!



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    Mình khá bất ngờ trước hai lời nhận xét của các bạn. Hóa ra mình hổng nhiều thế à. Cảm ơn hai bạn đã góp ý. Mình sẽ tìm hiểu thêm về ngữ pháp. Hơi thất vọng về bài viết này nhỉ.
    Last edited by adadad; 06-07-2009 at 09:00 PM.

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    VietAbroader nguyenminhhieuh's Avatar
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    I didn't mean to be harsh; I just wanted to help you adopt a more realistic view of your current English and then figure out the most systematic way of improving it on your own. As a cliche'ed saying goes "Practice makes perfect", I do believe an IMO Medaler (if I'm not mistaken) like you, CAN conquer English with ease ^^

    P.S: Now that you already registered for the TOEFL, don't miss such a precious chance of evaluating yourself!
    Sorry, you don't have the key to my heart any more. I've changed my lock.

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    VietAbroader nicetinh's Avatar
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    Mình chuẩn bị Toffle mình thấy các bạn góp ý thật là hay.

    Bài này một năm về trước nhưng mình quan tâm đến chủ đề này nên mình search.
    Các bạn có kinh nghiệm gì thi toffle IBT bày cho mình với.
    Thanks nha.

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    VietAbroader binloveh's Avatar
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    It is truly a so-called "Vietnamese-English" style. Furthermore, there are many basic grammar mistakes. Anyway, just either join in a TOEFL Writing Intensive course or do ur utmost to read as many reference books as u can to improve gradually.

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    VietAbroader binloveh's Avatar
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    OMG, this topic is dug again , I dont pay attention to the year .

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